I have recently been thinking about the human experience and how sometimes it can feel as though we have so many different feelings and views at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I have many different aspects or parts inside me all competing for attention. It is not the case that we are one faceted beings and if we are having conflicting feelings of anger , rage or shame it can sometimes lead to feeling afraid of some aspects of self and a need to cut off from or ‘demonise’ these parts. I understand these ‘demons’ not to actually be demonic. They have become so because we have been supressing our awareness of them and as the years go by, they take on a kind of ‘power’ and exhaust us by taking up all our prana or energy, by sabotaging our attempts, our relationships and our dreams.

However, these demons are not our enemy, they can’t be wished away or cut off or killed, they are an integral part of us that we have severed and as a result have taken reign of certain aspects of our lives. In therapy we call this the ‘child of history’ or the ‘adapted child’. At a young age through trauma or abuse, neglect, overly critical or dominant parenting, inconsistent parenting or simply not getting what we want, we create coping strategies in order to survive. There is nothing inherently ‘bad’ about these coping strategies, they helped us to survive. However, when we are grown up and not living with those situations anymore and the coping strategy has taken over our ability to choose what is good for us, we must apply some tools in order to be able to make the choices that will empower and serve us.

I have made headway through yoga, meditation and psychotherapy with my coping strategies.  However, I still have times when they get hold of the reigns and rise up, usually when there is some conflict or disappointment. Recently I entered a collection of my poems into a few competitions, I found out the other day that I had not been shortlisted for any of them. I felt rejected and I began to think ‘My poetry is not good enough’ and then I realised, I recognise this feeling coming from the powerful longing of my childhood to be seen and be praised and acknowledged. This feeling is a familiar one to me, having worked deeply with meditation and therapy. On recognising this and bringing awareness, I could soothe this part of me with understanding and hold a loving space for her, instead of allowing the feelings to engulf me and completely rubbish all my work and possibly rubbish other people’s poetry out of spite.

I believe that through deeply understanding the original coping strategies and using awareness to hold a space for the ‘child of history’ we can begin to get hold of the reigns again. However, it does take time and it’s a long journey into the self.  This is not a matter that can be ‘cured’ either, it cannot be fixed by a 40 day practice, positive thinking or a few powerful Kriya’s. Although yoga and meditation is a wonderful tool to begin to create more awareness, short term fixes won’t work here, this is a long term relationship which must be forged and attended to every moment through awareness and self kindness, engaging with each situation and relationship with an open heart and an intention to stay open with trust and courage, which is in fact, what I believe true yoga to be.

The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown.

~Carl Jung.

Sat nam,
Elaine 'Akal Dev'
http://www.blissfulmind.co.uk

This thing we call stress, which most of us have experienced at some point and I’m sure many of you experience on a daily basis, what is it? What does it mean when someone says they are suffering from stress and anxiety? Stress and anxiety are symptoms of something underlying which is causing an imbalance in our thinking.  This has an impact on us physically, mentally and emotionally.

 Let’s look at the emotional/ mental aspects first. We very often blame the external factors in life for the stress we are feeling, money, relationships , career. However, if we look inside and question what really lies at the heart of the issues we often find that there is a feeling of being out of control of our own lives. Managing stress is about taking control of how you deal with your life, being honest and realistic with yourself about the life you wish to create. I believe it is how you choose to think about a problem that is very often the cause of the problem.  It seems logical to think that it is the event happening to us that is causing stress, but the opposite is actually true. It is our response to the event which causes the stress. It is our assumption about reality and not reality that cause us to think in a way that is stressful. It is the thought ‘I can’t cope with this workload’ that is the stressor not the work load itself. So with this in mind, we can process what is going on in a more productive way.

· Be realistic about what you can and cannot achieve

· Be honest about your emotions let your feelings out, talk to someone.

· If you are struggling, get help. It is not a sign of weakness to admit that you cannot cope. It is a sign of strength to recognise that you need help.

· Ask honestly ‘Is it the situation/person that is causing me stress or is it reminding me of something/someone  from my past?’.

·  Realise that you can change your perspective on a problem. Ask ‘How can I change my thinking on the issue to be more positive/productive?’

· Focus daily on the bigger picture, give less importance to the small stuff and remind yourself that life can be ultimately about joy, the joy of your connections with others and with the activities and simple things in your life that bring you meaning and joy.

Physically, stress impacts on our bodily systems . The main impact is on the nervous system. The central nervous system has two parts, sympathetic and parasympathetic .  In ancient times when we roamed the plains we humans had to get away from dangerous wild beasties rapidly and so the sympathetic nervous system ,kicks in and gives the body what it needs to make its ‘flight’ from danger. Blood leaves the vital organs and moves into the limbs to enable a quick getaway and all unnecessary activity is ceased until the situation is safe again. This is marvellous for getting away from scary beasts but when the scary beast is your boss or the bills coming through the letterbox we cannot just run away. So stressful situations mean that the parasympathetic system is switched on constantly and adrenaline is pumping, when this is a daily norm the nerves get weakened and burnt out. The parasympathetic nerves do act to calm the stress response and bring us into a relaxed state. However, in order to do this we need to learn to relax. I am constantly amazed by the blank faces when I ask people what they do to relax. Watching television or going on Facebook may be part of your down time but the body really needs to rest deeply and in order to do this we need to come out of the mind and rest deeply in the body. Two great ways to relax are, Yoga Nidra ( a yogic sleep practice), Body scan ( a guided meditation) there are many websites and even MP3’s you can find and download. Less formally, just walking in nature or spending time doing hobbies you love can be very relaxing if you make the time for yourself.  It seems like madness to invest so much into getting the life we want but never stopping to enjoy it.  Giving so much to our external world but giving nothing back to ourselves, is futile.  The food we are consuming can also add to levels of stress, anything that is a stimulant will raise the stress response. This includes coffee, tea, salt,sugar and processed food. There is so much information available these days on the internet about healthy diets and stress relieving, soothing foods. If you are not sure what to do about your diet then educate yourself, it can be wonderfully empowering and give you a feeling of taking control.

Here’s some tips:

· Try the meditation included below, aim to do it at least 5 days out of 7.

· Learn how to relax, there are lots of resources on the internet.

· Try left nostril breathing to calm and relax you . Blocking off the right nostril with a finger and breathing long and deep through the left nostril you can change a stressful state of mind into a calm state within 3 mins… try it for yourself!

· Make time for relaxation every day and do not let anything encroach that. Be as dedicated to yourself as you are to your work/family/ friends.

· Cut down on those stimulating foods and eat more natural, wholesome healthy foods instead.

· Exercise regularly, this builds up strength in the nervous system so you can cope much better with stress. Kundalini yoga works on strengthening the nervous system.

· Make sure you get out into nature as often as possible. Nature is a marvellous help, not only for the sunlight and fresh air but also nature is a great teacher. We can watch a passing cloud and realise that all things do pass. We can delight in the seasons and also learn about death and rebirth. By letting go of what is past we can make way for something new to come into our life.

Try this meditation. Click here

Elaine 'Akal Dev'

I like to fix things, it makes me feel good. I like to find a way to fix things when they are broken. I am quite a resourceful and practical woman and I love a challenge. To me the urge to fix is irresistible. My Father is the same, I give all my broken jewellery to him and a few weeks later he proudly hands it over to me fixed.  I give him all my dying plants too and they come back, months later, healthy and fixed. Fine when fixing objects but what about people? I do get caught up in trying to fix them too. The trouble with that is if you try to 'fix' a person you do it with the pretence that they are somehow broken.

 When I was little, My Mother suffered with depression and often took herself off on her own in the house. To me it seemed very simple, she was sad and just needed cheering up and I was the one to do it. One day, I had a brilliant idea; I made her a plate of food and arranged the food to look like a smiley face. I was so pleased with my efforts and it was sure to make her feel better again. I presented it to her with such expectation, and I don't remember what she said about it, I just remember the feeling when my efforts did not have the desired effect. The feeling was that I must not be good enough to fix her. Of course, it was a juvenile philosophy but a powerful one just the same. I can see how it shaped me and my idea of myself in the world. Now I am older and it’s not surprising that:  1. I am a therapist and 2. I find it is easy to drop into the dynamic of being 'the fixer', as indeed anyone who is in the healing profession will know. 'If I can fix others then I am a good enough therapist' is deliciously tempting to fall into. I constantly have to remind myself that it is the strength of the human relationship between therapist and client which heals, not the interventions one uses.

When I have a problem, I want it fixed right away! I want to analyse, understand and fix it all as soon as it happens. I find it very difficult to just sit with something and not ask 'what's the answer?’ It has taken me such a long time to become aware of this and have any kind of patience with myself. I still find myself lost in trying to find the answers most days. For Christmas, my Partner bought me a wonderful book containing letters written by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke. A young aspiring poet named Franz Kappus had written to Rilke for some advice on his poetry, from which began a 6 year correspondence. I was moved deeply by his advice on patience:

"I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903

When we feel broken and get caught up in the idea that we need to find the answer and get 'fixed', it is a poignant reminder from Rilke for us just to sit with whatever is unresolved, without needing to know. Just simply sit with the heart as it is, however heavy. By doing this we allow space for the questions without immediately needing answers. Sitting with what is, we can drop the idea that we need to be fixed and come into a sense of ‘I’m ok as I am'. When I remind myself of this I can breathe again, I can start again from a place of acceptance and self-love.  Start each day with 'I'm ok as I am' and breathe deeply.

With love, Elaine Akal Dev.