I am a painfully shy person. A nightmare situation for me would be to find myself centre-stage with the spot light on me, and an audience of expectant faces looking in my direction waiting to hear what I have to say… Arrrrrgghhh!! Stage fright, brain freeze, and forget performance anxiety, we are talking performance terror here. For years I have fought this part of me, tried to find ways to heal it. I’ve read Susan Jeffers ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway’, I’ve had hypnotherapy to increase my confidence, been to healers and counsellors to eradicate it, had pep-talks from motivational speakers, everything to remove the irritating hindrance that stops me from stepping up to the mark fully in life… Or does it?
Another aspect of my character is quite the opposite, this aspect dreams of centre stage, has a fantasy of appearing on the top spot of Jonathan Ross’s TV show. This is the part of me that grabs the shyness by the hand and forces her to face students and workshop attendees whether she likes it or not. She is absolutely sure she has the capacity to dazzle the nation with her wit and wisdom – she is a little egocentric, well, ok, she is HUGELY egocentric but I like her and welcome her, yet can’t quite allow her the extent of fame she desires due to the shyness. That damn shy little girl who won’t heal, how annoying she is – or is she?
This year I had a breakthrough. A simple statement made by one lady delivered one of those blissful ‘Ah-ha!’ moments which removed the whole dilemma in seconds. And all she said was “It is your nature to be shy, it is who you are”… Wow!
It is not a wound that needs healing, or a conditioned response to my environment that needs re-educating, and nor is it a liability, block or obstacle. I have since been making friends with this part of me, I now look back in wonder at all the times I have attempted to murder her. This beautiful, sensitive, blushing aspect that serves me by guiding me away from situations that are too harsh, warns me when my ego is getting a little too carried away, and gives me the gentleness and humility to consider my overall needs as well as the needs of others. And far from being weak, this aspect has stayed strong and steady throughout all my attempts to kill her off. She has remained loyal regardless of my disapproval and continued rejection.
In reflecting on this one aspect, the shy-self, I have also recognised many other aspects that may appear to be negative, unwanted parts of myself and realised that each of them are here to serve. Some of them are a part of my nature, some are the results of wounding and conditioning, yet all of them serve my growth either directly or indirectly. Cynical-self, impatient-self, bossy-self, the list goes on, each help me either by containing my energy until it has grown sufficiently in wisdom to be released, or by increasing my wisdom and strength by giving me something to push against, to provoke me and motivate me to deepen my understanding of my own nature. The more we understand our own nature the more we can support others in understanding theirs. The more we can accept ourselves, the whole of ourselves, the more we can accept others, even the irritating parts of others that prickle and scratch at our skins.
It is no good trying to get children to play nicely when they simply do not like each other, and in the same way, we are never going to get warring aspects of ourselves to play nicely if we keep dividing them into groups of ‘acceptable/likable’ and ‘unacceptable/unlikable’. If we tune into those different parts of our nature, and those different layers of wounding, and embrace it all as a Divine gift, a tool that ensures our evolution, then we can resolve the inner conflicts that otherwise arise from trying to get rid of the parts we don’t like in favour of keeping the parts that are easy to accept. One of Yogi Bhajan’s well used quotes is “If we can’t see God in all, we can’t see God at all” and while this is largely used in the context of seeing God in others, it is also useful to remember that we too are reflections of that wonderful Great Spirit – If we can’t see God in every aspect of ourselves, we can’t see God in every aspect of others. If we desire to take part in resolving conflict out in the world then we need to revel in the peace of inner harmony that occurs with deep acceptance of self. Sat nam! <3
Amanda
Another aspect of my character is quite the opposite, this aspect dreams of centre stage, has a fantasy of appearing on the top spot of Jonathan Ross’s TV show. This is the part of me that grabs the shyness by the hand and forces her to face students and workshop attendees whether she likes it or not. She is absolutely sure she has the capacity to dazzle the nation with her wit and wisdom – she is a little egocentric, well, ok, she is HUGELY egocentric but I like her and welcome her, yet can’t quite allow her the extent of fame she desires due to the shyness. That damn shy little girl who won’t heal, how annoying she is – or is she?
This year I had a breakthrough. A simple statement made by one lady delivered one of those blissful ‘Ah-ha!’ moments which removed the whole dilemma in seconds. And all she said was “It is your nature to be shy, it is who you are”… Wow!
It is not a wound that needs healing, or a conditioned response to my environment that needs re-educating, and nor is it a liability, block or obstacle. I have since been making friends with this part of me, I now look back in wonder at all the times I have attempted to murder her. This beautiful, sensitive, blushing aspect that serves me by guiding me away from situations that are too harsh, warns me when my ego is getting a little too carried away, and gives me the gentleness and humility to consider my overall needs as well as the needs of others. And far from being weak, this aspect has stayed strong and steady throughout all my attempts to kill her off. She has remained loyal regardless of my disapproval and continued rejection.
In reflecting on this one aspect, the shy-self, I have also recognised many other aspects that may appear to be negative, unwanted parts of myself and realised that each of them are here to serve. Some of them are a part of my nature, some are the results of wounding and conditioning, yet all of them serve my growth either directly or indirectly. Cynical-self, impatient-self, bossy-self, the list goes on, each help me either by containing my energy until it has grown sufficiently in wisdom to be released, or by increasing my wisdom and strength by giving me something to push against, to provoke me and motivate me to deepen my understanding of my own nature. The more we understand our own nature the more we can support others in understanding theirs. The more we can accept ourselves, the whole of ourselves, the more we can accept others, even the irritating parts of others that prickle and scratch at our skins.
It is no good trying to get children to play nicely when they simply do not like each other, and in the same way, we are never going to get warring aspects of ourselves to play nicely if we keep dividing them into groups of ‘acceptable/likable’ and ‘unacceptable/unlikable’. If we tune into those different parts of our nature, and those different layers of wounding, and embrace it all as a Divine gift, a tool that ensures our evolution, then we can resolve the inner conflicts that otherwise arise from trying to get rid of the parts we don’t like in favour of keeping the parts that are easy to accept. One of Yogi Bhajan’s well used quotes is “If we can’t see God in all, we can’t see God at all” and while this is largely used in the context of seeing God in others, it is also useful to remember that we too are reflections of that wonderful Great Spirit – If we can’t see God in every aspect of ourselves, we can’t see God in every aspect of others. If we desire to take part in resolving conflict out in the world then we need to revel in the peace of inner harmony that occurs with deep acceptance of self. Sat nam! <3
Amanda
RSS Feed
